It's gonna be that day of the year once again, but right now I'm totally in no mood for all these.
Troubled with many different things every single day.
31 July 2014, I ended my seven months of work at Changi Airport.
Possibly, I thought okay now it's time to get back some freedom and some time for myself after all those months of working for money to roll in.
In an attempt to reward myself, I bought an album on my own for the very first time.
And after all the discounts and vouchers, I only paid $9.90, which reminded me of one of my favourite numbers since young.
Ending on a happy note, I thought things would be peaceful and I would get to do things that I want, and to settle some stuff that I really wanted to when I was working.
Two days down, and I ended up losing myself during conversations, be it online or offline.
Probably due to the fact that I did not have to communicate much during working hours, now that I'm free, I spend my time more on talking to people, but in the end this is what I get. I'm just tired of all these all over again.
Explanations, giving one is simple.
But how many of them will accept it.
Response, having one is easy.
But how many useful ones lie within.
Talk, starting one is not easy,
But what's even more difficult is wrapping it.
I'm really drained out by explaining myself, my actions, my views to various groups of people these few days or maybe months.
Straying away from the norms, doesn't mean that I have to change myself to be like them.
But if everyone does the same thing, how do we differentiate outstanding individuals from various sectors?
Observing my actions, my responses, I don't get why do I have to receive so much attention and so many comments on what I do or what I try to do.
I might not be the one you pictured me to be, I might not be the type of person you imagined me to be, but I am still the one I know after all these years.
I'm afraid of the future, to be real honest. After such a major academic setback, I questioned myself countless times if I'm actually doing the right thing right now. So many nights I raised this question inside my head, and so many times I tried to convince myself it's okay people wouldn't care about your past and what you're doing and I won't be bothered. But my oh my, I was so so wrong. As days past, I felt more and more alienated as if I was living in another planet as compared to the fellow earthlings that I had knew for a few years, several years, or even longer. The feeling of straying away just got stronger. There was probably nothing that I could say or do to make myself feel less alienated. Probably we're all in different leagues now.
I find myself forcing my way out of many situations these days, through anger, though I try very hard to make everything sound less forceful, but that shouldn't be the way.
But then again, what do I actually do?
Nothing gets in, nothing gets accepted, nothing goes in your favour.
Everything just happens to you, and you're supposed to handle every single thing that you always could not get your way through.
No matter how hard you try, how much effort you put in, in the end it is still not reciprocated in the slightest way.
What have I been doing to my life, my communicating skills with people, and my emotions that always run wild suddenly. Suddenly the feeling of insecurity sets in, and I'm once again lost.
Till now I still wonder, what am I lacking, why am I lacking, and why am I unable to get things done properly each time.
Maybe one day, I'll find out eventually.
Jingyi.
